Photo – Medium.com
Johannesburg – “Why are you being defensive?” Ever been on the receiving end of that urgh question? Or you’ve thrown that cringe inducing accusation. The truth is that this statement is often used without truly knowing what it means. Defensive behaviour is often exhibited when people are confronted about something.
Zakiyah Hoosen, Registered Counsellor and ENT, NLP & Qualified Life Coach and Aafiyah Healer, explained this behaviour and its purpose.
“Defensive behaviours are a set of actions that aim to protect us from harm or threats. The purpose of this behaviour is often to shield us from the impact of harm, or to mitigate negative emotions that may arise within a particular situation. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines this term as, ‘aggressive or submissive behaviour in response to real or imagined threats of harm’.”
There are distinct types of defensive behaviour. They can range from being something aggressive to something submissive, explained Hoosen. Though it varies from person to person.
“Defensive behaviours can take many forms. Aggressive or avoidant defensive behaviour can result in screaming, shouting, saying something equally or more hurtful to the other person, raising your voice, blaming others, walking away and more. Submissive defensive behaviour could be shutting off, breaking down into tears, stop listening to the other person or similar acts.In a greater context, our fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses are also considered defensive behaviours in some situations, since these become present when we feel under threat or at a risk of being harmed.”
Shuhaida Adam, Islamic Careline Social Worker, elaborated on the several types of defensive behaviour, explaining the most common ones.
“The first one we look at [is] projection. When you are attributing your feelings or thoughts onto somebody else … Denial is another one that’s very common. Refusing to acknowledge the reality around you because if you recognise this reality it might lead to anxiety, it leads to facing the fact that you may have messed up … Depression is another mechanism people use. We’re simply blocking out the difficult force from entering into our consciousness … Then there’s regression. You find regression with a lot of children. They use this as a defence mechanism when they are experiencing emotional difficulty … Rationalisation is when we’re trying to justify the problem, or we’re trying to justify your mistake and trying to make it very logical.”
The word defensive is from the Middle English defensif which means guarding or shielding from attack or injury. It is hard to see how defensive behaviour is considered bad. Hoosen believes it is perceived as bad because of how we view it.
“It is partially correct because very often, from my professional experience and observations, defensive behaviour is protecting oneself or our own vulnerabilities. Defensive behaviour is often depicted as ‘bad’ because it is characterised with avoidant behaviours, not answering questions, walking away from conversations etc, or verbal aggression. Saying something equally or more hurtful to the other person, raising your voice, blaming others,” explained Adam.
Despite the word defence being defined as a form of protection, it carries the connotation of hiding something.
“And we often misconstrue this act as manipulation or harmful. The reason we see it as “bad” could be the direct result of the way we perceive defensive behaviour. Awareness and learning about this can help us understand it better, and perhaps consider it in a new light.”
Not everyone has these mechanisms. For those who do, there are a variety of reasons. It could be because of trauma or several other reasons, said Adam.
“These are people who possibly had experienced quite a bit of difficulty in childhood, not necessarily abuse, but perhaps all the parenting needs were not met. Oftentimes these defence mechanisms are actually developed through childhood and then it manifests itself in adulthood. People who tend to become defensive, struggle with issues of power and control. Oftentimes they feel that they are being controlled by others. They struggle with power issues. They may feel that they hold no power in their relationship, they are not being heard and they then may try to aggressively try and regain power and sense of control in their life.”
Hoosen explained this behaviour could be something primal. Most behaviours in our life come from the conditions that we are in, but defensive behaviour is different.
“When we consider the fundamentals of behaviours and where they come from, there is a large agreement that our behaviours can stem from a process of conditioning. Considering this, some behaviours are primal and are seen as “survival skills” that humans have developed naturally to ensure our survival, as we evolved through the ages. Defensive behaviour can be primal since protection and survival skills are within all of us.”
Again, the word defensive alludes to something that is not necessarily bad. It is not wrong to defend yourself. While you might think that there can be short- and long-term effects, explained Hoosen.
“When you physically defend something, there is a possibility you might get hurt and then have a small physical injury that could last a short or long amount of time. Similarly, the emotional or mental impact depends on the harm – were you triggered, or were you traumatised? If triggered, usually the short-term effect, are you able to identify the trigger and overcome it by yourself, through self-help coping techniques? Or if you were traumatised ,usually the more long-term effect, does this harm have an impact on your ability to function and process the difficult experience? Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question.”
Sometimes a person can be defensive consciously and sometimes unconsciously. This difference is key to how a person can be helped and the duration of it. A key difference between individuals who practice defensive behaviour consciously and unconsciously is awareness. For the conscious person, it could be easier to face hard truths in safe spaces, among trusted friends or family, or with a mental health practitioner, which in turn helps them embrace techniques and change. For the unconscious person, this process might take time, not necessarily be harder.
“If we go back to the discussion of defensive behaviour being a form of protection, it is useful to remember that the unconscious person is protecting something without consciously knowing why or how they are doing this. This means that in order to feel safe, heard or validated, gathering their trust and establishing a safe space might take longer. Once you gather more information on those aspects, it might facilitate discussions and opportunities to manage this behaviour accordingly. It is difficult to comment on whether it would be easier for the conscious or unconscious person to change and improve – these are often considered case-by-case, because each person does have the remarkable capability to improve with the right tools.”
Dealing with a person who uses a defensive mechanism can be tricky, but you should refrain from saying, ‘why are you getting so defensive’ as this will aggravate them or cause them to walk away from the conversation. Hoosen provided a simple guideline on how to safely deal with someone who uses this mechanism.
“There is no one way to respond to these behaviours, but the following should be a guideline. Consider that the person is feeling vulnerable or at risk of being harmed in some way. Offer a safe space for them to share how they are feeling by being open and validating their feelings. Limiting your voice or responding in a similar aggressive manner might result in a vicious cycle and a nasty outcome. Remain focused on the situation at hand. Encourage the person to seek counselling or therapy if they are unresponsive to you.”
There are simple ways to find out if you are being defensive, but it requires you to be honest with yourself and accept what people tell you.
“To elicit clarity around your defensive behaviours, it could be helpful to ask yourself some guiding questions such as, ‘what I am trying to protect within myself’ or, ‘what am I scared of revealing’. Also, we can seek the help of others, trusted family members or friends, to point out our defensive behaviours and use these ‘hard truths’ as continuous feedback and opportunities for learning and growth.”
Understanding, accepting, and getting help is the first step to being able to communicate with people more effectively. Next is to be able to manage that process which can be a simple task.
Hoosen advised, “Begin by creating more self-awareness and identifying your triggers – these will vary from person to person and can include behaviours such as passive-aggressive communication styles, avoiding confrontation, raising your voice, shutting others out etc. These may provide insight into your behaviours, and once you have identified these, you can actively prevent triggers with the help of counselling techniques or therapy.”
Maryam Mkwanda speaks with Shuhaida Adam from Islamic Careline about understanding defensive behaviour:
