World – Men are four times more likely to commit suicide than women. According to the World Health Organisation (WHO) 13 774 suicides were reported in South Africa in 2019. Of these deaths, 10 861 were men. This translates to 37,6 per 100 000 men. Across the globe the same statistics can be found. These stats are shocking but reveals the state of men’s mental health.
While men are much more likely to commit suicide, they are also less likely to seek help. There are many reasons men choose not to seek help. Ibrahim, a university student, pushed off the idea of getting help because he felt it would make him look weak.
“For quite some time I didn’t want to seek help. There is this thing about seeking out therapy. You are often told that only weak and fragile men seek help. It is not the manly thing to do. That put me off getting help and even speaking to my parents about how I felt for many years. It seemed like the noble and strong thing to do. To suffer in silence rather than speaking about my issues, which in hindsight wasn’t the best thing.”
Men are viewed as leaders, being strong and tough. There are certain things they can and cannot do. While some may believe this is masculinity, this is actually toxic masculinity, and it is detrimental. Toxic masculinity involves cultural pressures influencing men to behave in a certain way. It also glorifies unhealthy habits and ideas like men shouldn’t seek help. It promotes the idea that men need to be tough and emotionless, an extremely detrimental idea.
The responsibility placed on young men and boys
Something that has become quite common in society is placing a huge amount of responsibility on young boys. They are often told they need to act a certain way and they must be leaders and heads of the households. These roles are forced onto them from an early age. While it is okay to give certain responsibilities to a child, overburdening them can have disastrous outcomes, explained Mohammed Uzair Bhamjee, a counselling psychologist.
“It is okay if certain responsibilities are placed on them. For eg. you teach a child what is responsibility. You don’t make him open the shop but you bring him into the shop and show him how things are done. When a child is placed under immense amount of pressure, emotionally and mentally and they are not ready for it, they end up using that pressure as a means of coping. It results in them suppressing their emotions and not even understanding their emotions.”
They end up having the belief that men need to be leaders, head of households and providers. A man is defined by many different things and for each person, being a man is different. When these expectations are not met by the child, they can end up feeling worthless, explained Bhamjee. They will believe they have to do everything perfectly and strive for perfection.
“Unfortunately, when people strive for perfection there isn’t any room for error. When they end up making mistakes, they end up feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless. These are symptoms of depression. However, it can also result in anxiety symptoms where they always need to be working in order to get that recognition [from their parents].”
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Big boys cry
For years the phrase ‘big boys don’t cry’ has been used to teach young boys they should just get on with it. Hide their emotions because that is what men do. Ibrahim recalled a time in his childhood when this happened to him. The memory is fresh in his mind as if it happened yesterday.
“I was in primary school. Just a short and skinny guy. I used to get picked on a lot because of that and one day the teasing and mocking was all too much. I remember I ran home, tears in my eyes and seeking the comfort of my mothers arms. I explained to her what happened and she was sympathetic. However, my father was not. He told me big boys don’t cry over such silly things and I should man up. Although I was young, that memory stuck to me and made me question who I was. For a long time in my life I suppressed my emotions and bottled everything up thinking it was the right thing to do.”
This kind of parenting is often referred to as tough love. A type of parenting the older generations practiced to make men out of boys. It often led to many kids bottling up their feelings. These emotions are either released in violent or non-violent ways but both ways have serious outcomes, stressed Bhamjee.
“When it comes to children they can act in violent ways, where you see the anger in school. It also results in children isolating, not expressing themselves. Some of the consequences can be low self-esteem, depression, poor confidence, low confidence levels and those then have collateral impact later in life.”
Negative tough love
Negative tough love doesn’t just have an impact in the present, but it can also impact a person in the future. There is a saying ‘children must be seen and not heard’. It is a dangerous stigma. A parent will often dismiss a child when they speak or may even punish them for voicing their opinion and feelings. This ultimately has a damaging impact on a child and how they view themselves, said Bhamjee. While there are positive forms of tough love, generally the negative forms of tough love are seen in society.
“When tough love is instilled, the child does not know how to love effectively according to societal norms. If children feel unloved by their parents, they end up desiring that more than anything. When they don’t end up receiving that love, they may end up with the belief they are unlovable. This results in them not loving themselves. If they don’t love themselves, they will think poorly about themselves.”
The dangers of negative tough love on a child can be quite severe. When people recognise how damaged they are, it can be easy to get help. However, the problem arises when people don’t recognise this and believe nothing is wrong with them, explained Bhamjee.
“Other people believe this is how my parents brought me up and I turned out fine. So let me do it. Meanwhile they are not fine and they are causing more damage. They are just not aware of it. When it actually hits, that is when the damage is actually done.”
For Ibrahim, receiving tough love from his father made him question himself. It led to him hating himself and even debating whether he should start a family of his own.
“It was a tough period in my life. My mother really showed her love for me but my father was the complete opposite. It made me question what I was doing wrong? How can one parent love me in this way while the other doesn’t? I used to wake up and hate the reflection I used to see in the mirror. I feared, for a long time, if I would turn out like my father. If I wouldn’t be able to show my kids love. Through therapy, I was able to face these things but there are days when these thoughts creep to the forefront of my mind. In the end, I trust myself that I will be different.”
The reasons men choose not to seek help
As mentioned, there are various reasons men don’t seek help. Ibrahim didn’t seek help because of the stigma attached to therapy. Men don’t seek help because they don’t know how to open up and do not have adequate support, explained Bhamjee.
“Stigma of mental health is across cultures and religions. It is broad. It is often said mental health is something you can’t see. So therefore, it is not real … When someone speaks about mental health, just because you can’t physically see it in a person, it is often said people are making it up and want attention. Society looks down on people who seek mental health support.”
Men being unable to open up links back to children having to be seen and not heard. When children are taught to bottle up their emotions, they are actually being deprived of the ability to communicate, said Bhamjee.
“Parents are not teaching their children how to communicate. When the child grows up, they do not communicate effectively. The other thing is they aren’t able to identify their emotions. They don’t know how to express what emotions they are feeling. They know something is not right. Because of the stigma preventing them from speaking up, they don’t speak up.”
Then there is a lack of support. Sometimes they may have support but those people may not have the necessary skills to support them. Their support system may believe the stigmas associated with mental health, Bhamjee explained.
“Stigma also plays a role in their support structure. If they believe it is nonsense or it isn’t real, they won’t help him effectively or they won’t have the skills to help them effectively unfortunately.”
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The way society has impacted men
Society plays a huge role in how men perceive themselves. For eg. society has created the ‘ideal man’. A man who is the pinnacle and what society wants every man to be, which is not possible. Trying to live up to these expectations leaves teenagers unable to choose who they want to be. Bhamjee explained that when one is unable to define who they are, it can lead to them being in their 30’s and 40’s facing a major identity crisis
“Youth and teenagers don’t have the ability to then choose who they want to be and experience new things. However, it is more on peer pressure and societal norms. If they don’t meet up to that, it then leads up to feeling worthless, helpless. That’s amongst the many detrimental elements that actually has an impact on the youth. They start thinking low about themselves.”
Today, more and more women are becoming breadwinners. This shift in roles is not as detrimental as one believes. Often, the man accepts it and is fine with it. However, it is when society steps in and makes him believe it isn’t fine and makes him question if he is a man which then creates this problem, said Bhamjee.
“One of the things that come into play is what people will say. Most of the time it is not the individuals who are at fault here. They are comfortable being in this position, however, the main challenge comes in here. Society contributes to naming them, shaming them, to degrading them and their masculinity. So, society then tells them they are not a man or they are not man enough. Then it becomes a problem and impacts their mental health.”
Having the right friends to help you out
Society can be cruel and harsh on a young boy or even a man. Most of the time, before a man seeks therapy, they turn towards their friends for support. For Bhamjee, it is of the utmost importance that people be around those they can trust and relate to.
“Everyone needs to have a support structure. You can’t go to a therapist every week for the rest of your life to vent about your problems. That is dependency. Sometimes you need a friend to talk to about your difficulties in your life. You may not need them to respond but just to listen.”
Speaking to someone who has poor insight could be dangerous. They can give you information that is biased and may cause harm to you. It is important to choose the correct friend who can help you navigate life properly and one you can trust.
Ibrahim credits his friends for pulling him out of the hole and encouraging him to get help. While they were there for him, he realised he needed professional help.
“My friends have always been my support structure. Coming from an Indian home, it is not always easy to speak to your parents and relatives about these things but my friends encouraged me. Truth be told, if it wasn’t for them, I probably wouldn’t be around. They kept my head above water for as long as they could and it helped me see that I did need to see a therapist, regardless of how society would view me.”
The high suicide rates amongst men
Society has created a stigma against men seeking help and it has directly contributed to the high rates of suicide amongst men. In comparison, women are less likely to commit suicide but they are also more likely to get help. People who commit suicide don’t want to kill themselves, but rather the problem, stressed Bhamjee.
“People don’t generally want to get rid of themselves. They want to get rid of the problem. They think if they get rid of themselves, they will get rid of the problem. If they resolve the problem, they end up saying they don’t need to get rid of themselves.”
Research shows men often resort to therapy after attempting suicide. Suicide is seen as a last attempt to kill the problem inside. Ibrahim resorted to therapy after attempting to take his own life.
“Therapy wasn’t on my mind when I attempted. Nobody wants to die, I didn’t. I just wanted to kill the pain inside of me. This was the only way I knew how. When I failed, I realised I didn’t want to die but I didn’t know how to kill this feeling inside of me. It isn’t something easy to do. Most people don’t understand but I had the thought on my mind weeks before I even attempted. Sometimes the pain and hurt gets so much that death is seen as a blessing.”
Is enough being done to raise awareness about men’s mental health
There are campaigns, movies and media that speak about men’s health. However, schools and religious figures need to do more to educate the youth and men about mental health. According to Bhamjee, schools and religious figures need to provide a caring environment as well.
“Mental health is developing in recent years. While a lot has been done, a lot more needs to be done. Specifically by the Ulema, schools and teachers. Schools are not doing enough to maintain and nurture children’s mental health. The pressure is being put specifically to perform. A child’s ability is being compared to every other child. If a child does not do well in an academic task, he is deemed to be stupid or looked down upon. This is being done by teachers, parents and board members.”
people need to be referred by the Ulema to therapists who can help them. Not every person’s problem is something spiritual.
Removing the stigma of men’s mental health
It is important to remove the stigma that is attached to men’s mental health and therapy. Ibrahim believes more men need to speak about how therapy helped them and also support each other.
“My knowledge of therapists comes from movies and series. The stigma against it prevented me from seeking help earlier on, which would have benefited me greatly. I believe the quicker we speak about these things, the easier it will be for people to accept it. For the Indian community to realise this isn’t something we are making up. There are so many people right now who are suffering in silence and if this stigma didn’t exist, they wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.”
The suicide rate amongst men is increasing yearly. By speaking up, supporting one another and making sure children are loved, men will not feel the need to take their own lives. Speaking about the issues is the only way to remove the stigma and create a generation of men who are loving, caring, kind and able to support one another.
