Parenting is arguably the most demanding calling one can undertake, yet it is often performed with minimal resources. Certified Parenting Coach Nozipho Mlambo suggests that the friction many parents experience is not a sign of failure, but a call to re-evaluate the purpose of household rules.
Speaking on Salaamedia recently, Mlambo, founder of Parenting for Success, addressed the common struggle of children resisting everyday requests. She argues that boundaries should be viewed as essential architecture for a child’s emotional well-being.
“Boundaries are there as a structure to help everyone in the family, especially the kids feel safe,” Mlambo explains.
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Why the traditional approach fails
The old-fashioned reliance on “because I said so” often triggers a cycle of shouting and defiance. Mlambo notes that this approach shifts the focus away from parenting and toward a contest for dominance.
“The moment it shifts from guidance… to a battle of wills, like whose will is going to end up winning? And then those are the cycles that continue and keep us stuck for many, many families,” she says.
To break this cycle, parents must prioritise the child’s need to be heard. Mlambo advocates for a “pause” to analyse the situation before enforcing a rule. “It just simply means that connection comes first before putting the boundary in place. Because when you’ve heard the child… then they are going to then cooperate with what you are asking,” she advises.
By linking rules to deep-seated family values, such as rest or health, children begin to internalise the “why” behind the boundary. Mlambo notes, “It stops feeling like they’re being controlled, but it’s something that makes sense for them. It makes sense in the family because it’s rooted in a core family value.”
Image via SGDD.
