More often than not, divorce is a storm that moves through two families, carrying grief, anger and confusion in its wake. Within many Muslim communities, conversations about divorce are becoming more common as counsellors witness a rise in separation among both young couples and those married for many years. Play therapist and counsellor Zakiyyah Pochee explains that while divorce ends a marriage, it does not end the emotional journey that follows. In fact, the most difficult work often begins after the separation itself.
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Divorce as a form of grief
Divorce is usually treated as a practical event. Papers are signed, homes are divided and lives move on. But emotionally, the process is far more complex. According to Pochee, divorce is a form of grief. Much like the loss of a loved one, it requires time to process. Feelings of betrayal, disappointment and heartbreak cannot simply be ignored or pushed aside. Many people attempt to move forward too quickly. Some rush into new relationships while others carry resentment and anger without addressing the deeper pain. But unresolved grief rarely disappears. Instead, it resurfaces later in unhealthy patterns, especially when children remain part of the picture. Healing begins when individuals allow themselves the time to reflect, process and actually seek support. Counselling can provide a safe space where painful emotions can be explored without judgement.
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When children are caught in the middle
For families going through divorce, the greatest concern is the wellbeing of the children. Counsellors frequently see young people who feel as though they are being pulled between two sides. They are exposed to tension, arguments and sometimes subtle pressure to choose loyalty between parents. What may appear to adults as minor disagreements can feel overwhelming to children. Disputes about visitation times, communication or parenting decisions often create an environment of instability. Many children just want both parents to remain present in their lives. This is why professionals emphasise the importance of respectful co-parenting even when trust between former spouses has been broken.
Islam and the call to separate with kindness
Islam acknowledges divorce as permissible, although it is described as something disliked by Allah. Even in separation, the Qur’an offers guidance on how couples should conduct themselves. In Surah Al Baqarah, spouses are instructed to separate with kindness and graciousness. The principle reminds couples that dignity and compassion should remain present, even when a marriage ends. “When you divorce women and they have (almost) reached the end of their waiting period, then either retain them in kindness or release them in kindness. Do not retain them to harm them or to transgress. Whoever does that has certainly wronged himself. ” Surah Al-Baqarah Ayah number 2:231. At some point, two people shared affection, trust and intimacy. While the relationship may no longer continue, that shared history should encourage a level of respect. One of the greatest obstacles during divorce is ego. When resentment grows unchecked, small disagreements can escalate into ongoing conflict. Turning back to faith can help individuals find perspective. Spiritual grounding encourages patience, humility and awareness that every action is seen by Allah.
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The role of counselling and mediation
Despite the emotional toll of divorce, many individuals hesitate to seek professional help. Cultural stigma surrounding therapy still exists in some communities. Pochee stresses that counselling should not be viewed as weakness. Rather, it is a form of support that allows individuals to work through confusion, anger and grief in a healthy way. Professional mediation can also help former spouses communicate when tensions make direct conversation difficult. Mediators assist families in creating parenting plans that clarify schedules, financial responsibilities and expectations moving forward. These agreements reduce misunderstandings and help both parents remain accountable to arrangements made for the wellbeing of their children.
The influence of extended families
Divorce often involves more than just two individuals. Parents, siblings and relatives frequently become part of the conflict. While families may feel protective of their loved ones, strong reactions can sometimes deepen the divide between former spouses. Harsh words and accusations may escalate an already fragile situation. Instead, relatives can play a more constructive role by encouraging patience and fairness. Offering emotional support while promoting calm communication often helps families move toward resolution rather than further conflict.
Protecting the wellbeing of children
One of the most important responsibilities after divorce is protecting children from unnecessary emotional harm. Speaking negatively about the other parent in front of children can create confusion and resentment. It may also shape how children view relationships as they grow older. Counsellors encourage parents to address frustrations privately with trusted friends, family members or professionals rather than involving children in adult disputes. Maintaining stability, routine and reassurance can help young people adjust to the changes in their family structure.
Moving forward with dignity
Divorce marks the end of a marriage, but it does not have to define the future of a family. With time, support and sincere reflection, many individuals are able to rebuild healthier patterns of communication and cooperation. The process requires patience and humility from all involved. Ultimately, healing after divorce begins with a willingness to let go of bitterness and approach the next chapter with dignity. In doing so, families can transform a painful ending into an opportunity for growth, understanding and peace.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8PmBobiCTWo Image via Rothera Bray.
