The love a believer has for Allah (SWT) dictates how they live they life and which Western values to reject Photo IslamiCity
If you’re born into a Muslim home, I’m sure, like me, you remember being taught to love Allah from the youngest age. To love Him more than you love your Mummy or Daddy or anyone at all. That a tender heart can swell with love for a Being they’ve never seen from as little as the age of four speaks to something primal. Something as old as souls. The Pledge of Alast, the memory of which is embedded deep within each of us. A memory from a time before time, when all of mankind stood before Him and He asked: am I not your Sustainer, your Rabb? Alastu bi Rabbikum?
And we all answered: Indeed. Bala!
Our love for Him stems from the fitrah that all human beings are born with. A built-in recognition of the Divine. But from that little age as much as we are taught to love Allah, we don’t get reminded often enough of His love for us. We don’t get told often enough how His mercy has 99 parts and from just ONE part of this mercy, all of mankind show mercy to one another. That is how vast it is.
He loves us. Completely. Perfectly. More even that our loved ones. He shows mercy on us, more even than our most compassionate companion. Rather, as children, we’re threatened with His wrath each time we don’t do what our parents expect of us. These warnings become so frequent (because kids forget and they mess up, again and again), that our love for Him begins to feel one sided. Here I am, Allah, loving you more than I love anyone else, and still, I don’t deserve your love because of the way I sin.
I was four or five years old when I was molested (repeatedly) by my parents’ employee. Oh, what a sinner I was! This experience left me feeling dirtied. It was far at odds with my Islamic identity, or what I was being taught my Islamic identity ought to be – an obedient believer. What complicated matters even further was that my abuser had been a woman.
Did this mean I was…don’t even say the word…. gay?! What kind of a rejected Muslim was I, really? My self-loathing by the age of 9 or 10 ran deep. It deepened even further as I entered my teenage years, when, enrolled at an all-girls boarding school, I developed an unhealthy attachment (read attraction) to a girl. I hated myself. Hated these feelings. And I resisted. After all, did I not love Allah more than any forbidden attraction? Instead of seeing this resistance to temptation as a triumph of my Faith, my self-loathing deepened. I felt rejected. I was, after all, being raised on a diet of Allah is the Punisher Supreme brand of Islam. What more could I be than just fuel for hellfire? What with all I’d done from as little as five and now this!
In time, I met someone, fell in love and got married, silencing any fears that I belonged with the destroyed People of Lut AS. I had a baby. Nursing and caring for my baby were rewarding, fulfilling. I was at peace. But not for long. Along came the Terrible Enormous Fear that I would molest my first-born child! There was certainly no respite for the wicked, it seemed.
Are not most abusers just victims of abuse themselves, I reasoned, as I wrestled with this darkest of fears? I suffered this dread in silence. Who could I discuss it with? Even talking about it to anyone would mean confessing to how polluted a being I was.
So I turned to Allah, asked Him to place His hand over my own. I am trying my best to obey You, Allah, I begged. Help me to remain obedient.
And I found Him sufficient. My baby was safe from me. Alhamdulillah.
But our fears have a way of catching up with us, so by the time my second child was born, I suffered a near mental breakdown from my decades of trying to make sense of my unnatural sexual initiation and failing. I started therapy. And through intense introspection, my Own Truths were distilled.
- Being abused as a child didn’t make me dirty.
- It wasn’t my fault that I’d been abused.
- Bring abused by a woman did not mean I was gay and therefore a sinner of the highest order, worthy only of destruction, like the people of Lut AS.
- My children were safe from me. I would never molest them because I HAD STARED DOWN MY DEMONS. AND WON.
- Being attracted to a female didn’t mean I was gay. It just meant I was human. Prone to temptation (put a hundred-odd teenage girls together in a closed environment where they have no interaction with the opposite sex, and what did I expect would happen, anyways?). But my love for my Maker outweighed any proclivity I might have to disobey him. And that was the nub of all matters.
In the years that followed, my commitment to Allah would be tested, again and again, and each time my Love for Him would win because finally I had understood: Allah isn’t the Lord of Punishment. He is the Lord of Mercy. Of Forgiveness. Of Love. And He would be to me, exactly as I expect Him to be. This was His immutable promise. My faith had truly set me free.
The proverbial storm in a chai cup this Pride Month has made me think back on this journey of mine. The ways I grappled with my sexuality. And the way I found my peace. It’s also awakened in me deep empathy for any Muslim struggling to make sense of the contradiction between what Allah wants of us and what this vice-celebrating world would have us want for ourselves.
Be true to yourself, they say. Embrace this side of your being. Be Proud of who you are. But what pride can we have in a life of disobedience to Allah? What peace can we find in His anger?
Through the decades, so much of what was once considered morally questionable has now found a place in ‘polite society’ and why should this matter be any different?
As a Muslim, I’ve felt the pressure of the LGBTQ lobby more than I care to admit. It’s everywhere. In schools. On TV. And now, in…wait for it…*gasp* Woolworths! And Woolworths has been the just one step too far for the South African Muslim community. We’re unruffled that every other chain store in the mall is celebrating Pride Month. Proving yet again, that, perchance we worship too hard at the altar of Woolworths??
But, I digress. So, where do I stand on this matter?
As a Muslim, I respect the right of every human being to choose whatever lifestyle pleases them. I categorically oppose discrimination on the basis of anyone’s orientation, sexual or otherwise. I oppose violence against anyone on the basis of their orientation and oppose discrimination. This position stems from my Islamic faith.
But it feels like this position falls short of some gilded Liberal Standard that would see me, in spite of the requirements of my faith, celebrate Pride Month. That I’m being pushed to laud the LGBTQ cause. Why am I being told that my failure to do so makes me homophobic? I am not a homophobe. I am merely respecting the laws of my faith and I’d like that same respect in return.
As a practicing Muslim, just as I would NEVER consider drinking alcohol, or eating pork, so too would I regard a same sex relationship: forbidden for me and those who adhere to my faith. And I accept this decree gladly, because, my love for Allah far exceeds any love I may have that goes against what He has enjoined on me.
I would never expect my faith to change to suit my desires. This is not how faith works. Islam means Submission, complete and perfect, to the will of Allah. And as such, Allah has decreed same-sex relationships as forbidden. And I accept His decree.
I will not look for loopholes. I will not try to equivocate. I will not make excuses. Allah did not make me this way. This is definitely my Test.
Always, as a believer, when faced with a temptation that He has expressly forbidden, I get to decide whether my temptation or my Maker mean more to me. And if I perchance, in spite of knowing this, I still choose the dictates of my base self, I slide into temptation and fall, I will rise again, try anew, and ask His forgiveness. He is, after all al Ghaffar. One whose capacity for forgiveness exceeds anything we are capable of.
So if, as a Muslim, you’re struggling with conflicting feelings, torn between what the world would want you to embrace, and what your faith would want you to eschew, what Allah would want you to turn away from, step within. As yourself: What means more to me?
If Allah means more to you, Wallahi, you will find Him sufficient for you.
There is nothing inherently wrong with you. You are merely being tested.
Is your faith equal to the test?
This world will always test us. Always challenge our commitment. Sometimes it will make tempting, perhaps even sensible arguments for us to choose a path that Allah does not want for us. But if we have chosen Deenul Islam as our blueprint for navigating this life, then we must hold fast to its teachings. After all, did we not make a covenant to obey Allah the day we chose this faith?
Does my believing that same sex relationships are forbidden in Islam make me a homophobe? No more than my believing that adultery or pre-marital sex are forbidden, makes me a prude.
So respectfully, LGBTQ community, I cannot celebrate a lifestyle that my Lord has forbidden for me. But I respect your right to choose it. I respect your right to celebrate it. And surely, that is enough?
