Ramadan is the perfect time to mend those broken relationships Photo Sbs
World – During the month of Ramadan many families settle their differences during the last ten nights and fix their fractured relationships as best as they can. Unfortunately, after Eid passes, we often find that the families become fractured again. Islam has placed heavy emphasis on maintaining family ties and as such, we must make sure we keep them and not break them.
‘A’isha (RA) reported that the Prophet (ﷺ), said, “Kinship is derived from Allah (SWT). If anyone maintains ties of kinship (family ties) Allah (SWT) maintains ties with him. If anyone cuts them off, Allah (SWT) cuts him off”. (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 55)
Addressing the issues to mend family ties
The first step to truly creating a long lasting family bond is to understand why things deteriorated in the first place, explained Shuhaida Adams, Social Worker at Islamic Careline. Every family has their own reasons why they stopped talking to one another. It is important to analyse and understand what the issue is and who it impacted.
“Try to understand what happened. Then look at who is impacted by this. Is it just you directly or perhaps it might be a group of siblings who experienced an issue with a family member. Perhaps those of you who are impacted can come together because there’s also a bit of support in numbers.”
One also needs to approach the person with an open mind and open heart. Listen to their side of the story and be prepared to be honest with yourself. If you are in the wrong, you need to be able to be honest with yourself and apologise.
“If there’s something that you have done, try to see how you can actually make reparations. It might be as simple as acknowledging what you did to this person and then asking for forgiveness. They may have also been just waiting for this moment for you to apologise so they can forgive you.”
Have the meeting face to face
Although this sounds like a daunting task, it is an incredibly important one, stressed Adam. Find a convenient time to approach this person, sit them down and mend the relationship. We are so used to doing everything over the phone but a face-to-face conversation can help the person see how much we want to repair the relationship. Emotions often have a bigger impact than words.
“Ideally these things should be done in person. Person to person contact gives you the chance to really radiate your warmth and your sincerity … You want to also ensure that it’s going to be a safe space and a safe moment.”
If the person doesn’t stay in the locality, try to video call them. In this way, even though you are not in the same space together, your emotions can still be shown to them.
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Mending ties with someone who does not want to
‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr (RA) reported that the Prophet (ﷺ), said, “The one who maintains ties of kinship is not the one who reciprocates. The one who maintains ties of kinship is the one who, when his relatives cut him off, maintains ties of kinship.” (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 68)
It is possible that a person may not want to see you or repair their ties with you. However, as the Hadith (saying of the Prophet (SAW)) mentions, this is not an excuse to break family ties. You must still ensure you do everything to fix the relationship and there are a few ways to do it.
“If they’ve indicated initially they want nothing to do with you, they do not want to reconcile, try to get a third party involved … Then if you get very certain indicators they are not willing to reconcile, then you can offer your support from afar letting them know the door is open.”
We often find that when adults fight, they keep their children away from each other. This is also a grievous mistake and results in even further breakdown in family ties. The children should not suffer because of the differences the adults have between each other. If the ties between children are kept, there is a stronger possibility that the parents can rectify their situation.
Repairing the family tie for good
If everything goes according to plan and reconciliation happens, it does not mean the work is done, said Adam. This is when the tough work begins. It is up to both parties to rectify their wrongs and change their ways to ensure the kinship doesn’t break again.
“We’re talking about changing families that have patterns ingrained in them for maybe 30, 40 or 50 years. To bring about that change is going to require, first of all, motivation from all parties that they’re going to want to change. It’s going to require the know-how. Knowing what we are doing that’s harming our family relationship and what can we do to change it.”
Along the way we might slip and fall but that is natural. Slip ups are part and parcel of the process but we just have to be persistent and work on it until the family tie is strong again.
Abu Hurayra heard Nabi (ﷺ) say, “Anyone who wants to have his provision expanded and his term of life lengthened should maintain ties of kinship.” (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 57)
To learn more from Shuhaida Adam on how to repair and maintain family ties, listen to the podcast here:
